Wanting It...Then Not!

Of course I know that spanking will always be a part of our marriage from this point on, so that's not an issue.  But my most recent request for him to have more control...that has become an issue for me.  I've mentioned it to him a couple times that it makes me feel child like and I don't like that.  I understand that J is getting somewhat irritated with me wanting to do something then wanting it to go back to the way it was.  He said absolutely not, I wanted him to take on having more control and that's exactly what he plans to do.  J's tone is not angry or ugly during these talks, he just has a matter of fact attitude.  He has in mind how he wants things to be and they are very similar to my idea of how things should one day be for us, but somehow I feel like we've entered a level that feels unnatural to me.  I just don't understand why he's not feeling like this extra control feels unnatural to him too.  I've been doing well with my role as a submissive wife and haven't earned any spankings for a few weeks.  I will continue to talk with him about this and I know he has always wanted me to be happy so eventually he'll see my concerns...but for now, I'm not going to hound him about this issue.  Who knows, maybe over time things will slow down again and feel natural once again.  I certainly love this journey we are on and I'm ever so greatful that he agreed to this lifestyle.  Jess

FEELING LOVED AND SAFE

A couple days ago I asked J if he would mind being a little more controlling. When he controls situations and random things I feel so loved and safe. He has always said that he doesn't want to have to micro manage me, and I agree that would be a pain. J was very pleased that I asked him to be even more controlling. I said what about the micro manage thing? His reply was if I do what is asked of me then he still won't have to micro manage me. He said eventually I will know what's expected of me and just naturally do things before he has to even bring them up. He is very confident that's where our marriage is heading.

I was laying in bed the other day talking all this over with J and we were holding hands and facing each other. I asked him if any of this makes him uncomfortable in any way and he said no, not at all, this is more me than you think. He went on to say that there were times going several years back in our marriage that he wanted to step up and say something and control things but he didn't because he didn't want to upset me, all he ever wanted was to see me happy. I smiled because I really like the fact that he has a natural dominant side to him. I'm sure that's why he's done well with his role as HOH and was so successful at helping me step back and become more submissive. He has come across some things that he needed to take more control over so I'm busy following his lead and doing very well with all the changes.  Thanks for reading my update :-) Jess

THE WAY WE WERE...AND WHY WE CHANGED

I was very spoiled by my husband the first 8.5 years we were married. J would do anything in his power to see to me being happy. The fact is, I wasn't happy at all. It felt so wrong for me as a woman to be sitting back letting him do all the work. When I would say something about it he would say I don't do this stuff because I feel like I have to, I do it because I love you and I want you to be happy. One would think that I would be appreciative to J for all the work he put forth to see to me being happy. But in fact, I was very close to leaving him. I felt like he deserved so much better than me. I was unmotivated at the time. I do not like for my home to be messy and on days when I just didn't have the energy to straighten the house J would quick straighten it up, to keep me happy.

One day I had so much built up stress and no way to release it.  I didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't take medication. On this day, in the night, I went into the living room and sat very frustrated. J came in there and was standing by the stairs and asked me what's wrong. I told him that I wanted him to beat me. He was shocked. He said absolutely not. I was crying, and said I want you to use your belt and turn me black and blue. He refused again. He wanted to know where this was coming from, since it was the first time I had mentioned it. I told him that I felt like it would release all my stress to have pain like that. He still said there's no way he could ever do that to me. We fought, our voices were at yelling level now. Looking back, it was the stupidest argument we've ever had. I was so ready to walk out that door and just leave it all, all because he wouldn't beat me with his belt. I explained, in a yelling tone, that I have no other outs...no means to get rid of my stress and I couldn't believe he wasn't willing to do this for me. He said FINE, you want me to use my belt on you...GET IN THE BEDROOM NOW! I still sat on the couch, arms crossed. He walked over to me and said, I want to do this for you. Now, GET UP and GET IN THE BEDROOM. He reached down for my wrist. He pulled me up and I went in the bedroom. He had me strip down and lay over the bed. Our bed is tall, it comes up to my hips and I'm 5'5". I leaned over and heard his belt as he removed it from his jeans he picked up. I had a ton of mixed feelings, just hearing the sound it made. He began swatting me with it, over and over. My bottom, legs, back...It felt so good to me for some reason. It hurt but it felt really good too. Once he was finished I felt all my stress had gone away. I thanked him. We went to bed.

Now that that door was opened I started feeling some motivated to help out around the house and started listening to him more, when he'd say not to do something. About 6 months later I had a dream. Someone said the word submissive woman and when I woke up I went upstairs and told J about my dream and I asked if there was such a thing as submissive woman. I had never heard that before. He said yes, some women are submissive. I got on my computer and started researching. Found the meaning of submissive woman and some ways to help get you there. We talked about it some but he did not act like he wanted a "submissive woman" so I didn't push the subject. During all this time from the first time he had used his belt up to this point he had only needed to use his belt on me a few times. Mostly I was staying stress free and not being as bratty or mouthy...even though at the time, he never told me not to be mouthy or bratty. Neither one of us knew what we were doing, but whatever it was, it was working. I continued researching, trying to find out if I was normal for wanting spankings and then I came across the word Domestic Discipline (DD). It all made sense to me. I'm not the only woman out there that has a desire to be spanked by my husband. J and I went to the walking track one evening and as we were walking I mentioned to him that I found something on the web called DD. I told him all about it and then I requested him to discipline me. He said he wasn't sure, he'd think about it and let me know. I told him this is a commitment and that I think it will help us grow closer. He was afraid it would change who we are to much, then one or both of us wouldn't be happy in the marriage. I told him we can take it slow and I would put in a good effort to help out more and be calm and keep things peaceful. The next day he agreed to it. He had researched it and learned what his role of HOH meant and what was expected of a spanked wife. I was excited that he agreed to do it. I had found a DD forum a week or two after starting DD officially. We love this forum and the people on there are like family to us. This was last July. In September we started a submission exercise that instructed that I would receive a spanking every single day for at least 6 weeks. I am finally at a level of submission that is comfortable for now. I managed to get submissive by submitting to the daily spankings and listening as my HOH reminded me of few rules he does have in place, and asking other questions and me asking questions. We are both where we want to be for now. The daily spankings lasted 8 weeks and 1 day. I am now respectful of who he is and the things he does for me. Now I do things for him as well. He does not require me to call him Sir, but simply out of respect for the things he has done for me I do say soft yes and no Sir's to him. It's just becoming natural to me.

I love how close the DD lifestyle has made us. He said there's no way that he'd have it any other way now. He loves this lifestyle and what it has done for us and we both agree that there is no turning back. He has stepped up as the man of the house and makes good choices for our household. He expects me to not test him, he said we are past that point now. He doesn't tolerate even the slightest bit of testing. I'm not mouthy, or bratty toward him anymore either. Our home is happy and peaceful most of the time. Lots of laughing, and love.  Last month we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary.  Thanks for reading my first post :-)  Jess